Almost but Not Quite

A fair amount happened while I was away but for this post I’ll focus on my man story as I feel keen to share it.  Whilst on my travels last year, I had met someone, let’s call him Tall dude (TD).  We had a few calls but the meetings themselves were limited as we met towards the end of my trip.  Our first proper meet was awkward, infact I didn’t enjoy it.  I didn’t envision round two.  It seems he did and was either being mature about it, thinking first meets are always awful or had simply not felt anything was wrong.  Second meetup was ok.  That’s about as far as I would go, not as easy flowing as our calls had been but not as awful as the meeting the day before.

Despite the meetings being awkward, I felt somewhat connected to him through our earlier conversations.  Infact, I would go as far as to say, he was the first man I had felt connected to since my divorce.  Upon my return, we kept in touch, not regularly but we had the odd skype to catchup on life.  I don’t tend to keep casual male friends so this was unusual for me.  In my heart of heart, I possibly thought something might happen one day and I’m sure he did too which is why we made the effort.

Fast forward a year.  TD and I met whilst I was on my travels, we both knew there was a possibility I could end up in his home country prior to me coming home and it happened.  As far as I was concerned we were both on the same page; getting to know one another in a more serious way for marriage.

I dreaded our first meeting and decided if it was anything like our last ones then I wouldn’t be polite and ditch any suggestions for further meets.  Thankfully it was easy.  Perhaps having spoken on/off for a year meant we had developed a foundation or some sort of friendship that we were able to work off.  Our conversations ranged from intellectual to light and I would say we shared a fair amount in the time we spent together.

We bumped into his brother in law on one of the days and I jokingly mentioned that his family will be talking about the hot girl he was seen with.  He replied that his family knew we were meeting and getting to know each other while I was here.  A few days before I left, he had mentioned his sister was visiting (she lives in a different albeit nearby country) and on the day I was leaving, arranged for us to have lunch with his sister and her husband.  Perhaps I’m rusty at this but to me, it seemed to be going in a somewhat serious direction.   Yet I got to the last day and neither of us had that “where’s this going?” conversation.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for a ring on my finger after this visit.  I was merely looking for a bit of a serious chat as to how we proceed.  Even at this stage, there were things I was uncertain about and had we decided to have the chat, I would have brought it up.

Slightly irked, I moved onto my next destination.  Irked as I had tried to broach things a couple times before I left but could tell he wasn’t for having it.  In our subsequent phone call, I grabbed the bull by the horns.  In his words, his life isn’t where it should be and he never brought anything up as it would force us to make a decision and potentially end the relationship in its entirety which isn’t what he wanted.  I felt it was slightly unfair as I hadn’t been considered in this nor been given any clarity and I said as much.

The time spent wasn’t a waste so the feeling of annoyance never came from that as such.  He was a perfect gentleman the whole time and good company.  Infact it made me realise how much I missed companionship.  My own gut feeling is that his parents’ messy divorce still affects him; he got scared, panicked and backed off.  The flip side could be that he simply decided he wasn’t interested and tried to be polite about it.  Whatever it is, it’s been left in my court to decide whether I want to continue talking, having been made clear that if we do then we talk only as friends as he doesn’t want to give any promises.  I’ve decided to take a step back, maybe still smarting a little that I got a bit excited at having potentially found someone I thought I connected with.

 

 

The Art of Femininity

“Men like daft girls, act like a bit of an airhead around him”.  Say what?  That was the advice of a married friend after telling her I had been talking to a man but wasn’t entirely sure where it was going.  I protested that it wasn’t me and surely that’s got to be considered a bit manipulative.  She tried to ease my fears on this: “It’s just what men like”.

I didn’t heed this advice but interestingly it has come up, more than once, from well meaning people.  I’ve been told that I come across too independent to the point that a man will wonder why I need him.  But I don’t understand this.  I really don’t.  Why would I be relying on a man I’m merely getting to know?  Surely he would know that if I’m into him, talking to him, getting to know him that I’m interested in a relationship and once solid then yes, I have no trouble in placing my burdens on the broad shoulders of my man to be.

Be more feminine when you speak to them, another gem.  I half wonder if my friends have bugged my phone, analysed the calls and circled all the things I do wrong.  Even if they did, it’s not like I tuck away a testicle as I talk farts or superchargers with blokes I like…..so what exactly is being feminine?

Blokes?!!

A couple recent encounters with some mildly bitter men had me thinking if, as women, we’re too harsh in our judgements of them in the Muslim “get to know you for marriage” world or indeed any dating capacity?

When I scour over bloke’s profiles, a lot of what comes up is; “no time-wasters”, “no gold diggers”, “nobody who still carries their baggage from the past”. I tend to always swipe left.  It screams of a negative man who has clearly been bitten in the past and now feels the need to place a “no cold callers” type of sticker on his dating/marriage profile.  It’s akin to me writing, “no man whores” on mine.  It’s common sense.

But am I being too judgemental?  Do they have valid reasons for writing these types of comments on their profiles.  Are we women doing the same to blokes as we often complain they do to us?

I’ve always imagined it to be pretty easy for the guys so I’m intrigued to hear from men about their rishta/marriage hunt and how their online or otherwise experiences tend to go.  What seems to be the common theme, if there is one, when getting to know a woman?  No holds barred but what are your species looking for?!

Safe Space

Ironically, there’s always a lot of emails from people in similar situations or difficult marital situations asking me for advice.  It’s nice that people think I have advice to offer although I would have thought it would be the opposite; I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t think I would be going to a bloke whose wife ran off with the milkman and ask him how to keep a relationship strong.

Rather than have a post about my going ons, I thought I would invite others to write in.  Perhaps you’re in a messy situation, maybe you’re going through a split and struggling, single and feeling the pressures to get married, post-split and finding it difficult to start again, divorced with kids and can’t seem to figure out how to manage that disconnect.

A lot of the time, I don’t feel I have the right advice to offer, mainly because it’s not a situation I’ve been in.  I would like to use this post as a platform; a safe space for anybody whose a bit lost and wants to try to connect with others in the same situation.  If I feel that I have any peas of wisdom (because let’s face it, pearls are too expensive) then I’ll offer it up.

Please feel free to pour your heart out in the comments section and equally if anything resonates with you then lend a helping hand.

The Penny Drops

Divorce itself is fairly difficult to heal from however it happens.  The extent to which divorce has left its marks is something which I’m only starting to realise now……whilst getting to know a man.

Initially it wasn’t difficult.  A suggested singleton, number/email passed on, a couple messages exchanged.  That bit’s easy, I can do that.  At some point however we have to exit the virtual world.  Unfortunately for me, he isn’t a fan of email/texts etc and prefers real time.  Clearly the more mature way to deal with things, I can appreciate that.  Those nerves disappear, the phone call is easy, we get on well.

A couple of video calls in (some distance prevents an initial meetup), we get on great and talk with ease.  It’s been a long time since I’ve met a man that I can talk so comfortably with and who has that type of personality I’m attracted to.  He reminds me of somebody though and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Third call in and the penny drops.  He reminds me of my ex.

Clearly I have a type.  I am attracted to a certain look.  I’m attracted to an outgoing, joker personality.  The things I thought my ex was.  Since the realisation, I can’t stop thinking about how much of an act this chap might be putting on.  Is he the same as my ex? Is he lying about all the things he’s telling me?  Is he shagging everything that moves?

It’s sad to be painting him with the same brush.  I can’t seem to stop myself.  Ever since the penny dropped, I feel distant and guarded.  I’m starting to wonder if I attract psychopaths. How unfair given I have no reason to believe the newbie is one.  I feel frustrated.  Angry that my ex may have got the best of me even now.