The Final Goodbye

I had a moment of realisation whilst away and perhaps from my last post, folk might have guessed that I was leading upto this.  It’s obvious now, for me, that this blog has reached the end of its purpose.

Its purpose was mainly cathartic and through it, I connected with many wonderful people who provided me with love, support and advice in their own ways.  There’s absolutely no regret in my mind for starting this, not only for what it provided me but also as a platform for other women (and men), going through life’s difficulties to connect.

The decision to end this blog has happened for a couple of reasons:

I don’t associate myself as a “divorcee” or really feel the need to pigeon hole myself into that little box anymore.  I’d rather describe myself as a slightly mad, fiesty but underneath it all, a warmhearted and wonderful person.

Secondly, whilst I haven’t been particularly bothered about people knowing about my blog, the focus of my writings is changing.  I would rather not talk about certain intimate details with people whom I don’t really involve in my life.  It’s surprised me  over the past few months that there are people reading this blog whom I wouldn’t have thought cared much about what I have to say; if I was to be cynical, perhaps it’s a way of keeping up with some gossip that my life may be providing.

Divorce ignited within me a passion for writing.  I will continue writing on a different platform and for those who aren’t directly linked to me but I have developed a connection with you through this blog, I am happy to share it and keep in touch.  You all know who you are so pop me an email and I will re-connect with you.  For others, whom I don’t really know but have been reading this, I apologise but I am aiming to keep the next blog fairly private from my personal circle so unless we have shared some communications, I won’t be sharing the details.  I hope this is understandable.

Through this blog, I am hoping to setup an initiative with an established women’s helpline to provide further support, whether it be religious or emotional, to Muslim women going through divorce.  One thing that has become clear is that we get lost in the process.  There is a lack of religious guidance out there but more importantly empathy from religious leaders .  This is something, through our helpline, which we hope to change.  Should there be an avenue where we can take this online then we will endeavour to do so and I will update this blog if it happens.

My email account will be active and I am happy to still provide support.  There’s something to be said about the power of an online community.  And to that community; thank you for your amazing support over the years.  Your own experiences and advice helped in more ways than I can ever express.  In return, I hope this blog has been and will continue to be of use to others going through similar situations.

It’s been four years of cataloguing pain, tears and heartache.  I’ll be honest, it’s probably taken me that long to stop feeling so angry.  However I can also see the wonderful opportunities that life has provided me which I would never have experienced otherwise.  Life goes on.  It takes time to find yourself again but once you do, the possibilities are endless.  We may never be the same but that’s not to say that we can’t become better versions of ourselves.

And on that note…..love and hugs.  Goodbye from me.

Almost but Not Quite

A fair amount happened while I was away but for this post I’ll focus on my man story as I feel keen to share it.  Whilst on my travels last year, I had met someone, let’s call him Tall dude (TD).  We had a few calls but the meetings themselves were limited as we met towards the end of my trip.  Our first proper meet was awkward, infact I didn’t enjoy it.  I didn’t envision round two.  It seems he did and was either being mature about it, thinking first meets are always awful or had simply not felt anything was wrong.  Second meetup was ok.  That’s about as far as I would go, not as easy flowing as our calls had been but not as awful as the meeting the day before.

Despite the meetings being awkward, I felt somewhat connected to him through our earlier conversations.  Infact, I would go as far as to say, he was the first man I had felt connected to since my divorce.  Upon my return, we kept in touch, not regularly but we had the odd skype to catchup on life.  I don’t tend to keep casual male friends so this was unusual for me.  In my heart of heart, I possibly thought something might happen one day and I’m sure he did too which is why we made the effort.

Fast forward a year.  TD and I met whilst I was on my travels, we both knew there was a possibility I could end up in his home country prior to me coming home and it happened.  As far as I was concerned we were both on the same page; getting to know one another in a more serious way for marriage.

I dreaded our first meeting and decided if it was anything like our last ones then I wouldn’t be polite and ditch any suggestions for further meets.  Thankfully it was easy.  Perhaps having spoken on/off for a year meant we had developed a foundation or some sort of friendship that we were able to work off.  Our conversations ranged from intellectual to light and I would say we shared a fair amount in the time we spent together.

We bumped into his brother in law on one of the days and I jokingly mentioned that his family will be talking about the hot girl he was seen with.  He replied that his family knew we were meeting and getting to know each other while I was here.  A few days before I left, he had mentioned his sister was visiting (she lives in a different albeit nearby country) and on the day I was leaving, arranged for us to have lunch with his sister and her husband.  Perhaps I’m rusty at this but to me, it seemed to be going in a somewhat serious direction.   Yet I got to the last day and neither of us had that “where’s this going?” conversation.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for a ring on my finger after this visit.  I was merely looking for a bit of a serious chat as to how we proceed.  Even at this stage, there were things I was uncertain about and had we decided to have the chat, I would have brought it up.

Slightly irked, I moved onto my next destination.  Irked as I had tried to broach things a couple times before I left but could tell he wasn’t for having it.  In our subsequent phone call, I grabbed the bull by the horns.  In his words, his life isn’t where it should be and he never brought anything up as it would force us to make a decision and potentially end the relationship in its entirety which isn’t what he wanted.  I felt it was slightly unfair as I hadn’t been considered in this nor been given any clarity and I said as much.

The time spent wasn’t a waste so the feeling of annoyance never came from that as such.  He was a perfect gentleman the whole time and good company.  Infact it made me realise how much I missed companionship.  My own gut feeling is that his parents’ messy divorce still affects him; he got scared, panicked and backed off.  The flip side could be that he simply decided he wasn’t interested and tried to be polite about it.  Whatever it is, it’s been left in my court to decide whether I want to continue talking, having been made clear that if we do then we talk only as friends as he doesn’t want to give any promises.  I’ve decided to take a step back, maybe still smarting a little that I got a bit excited at having potentially found someone I thought I connected with.

 

 

Attack of the Outlaws

I was looking forward to getting stuck into my book for half an hour before bed but instead I’m at the keyboard, venting out the frustration from today.  My ex in-laws reared their head via social media.  I don’t pay much attention to their lives so to see them commenting on a public profile of my brothers took me by surprise.

Irony was not even the word.  I realise the anger from my ex’s wife.  Essentially my brother helped me catch her, organised the meeting with her brother and ultimately supported me heavily throughout the cheating scandal.  The anger from his sisters however, I don’t quite understand.

They called my brother a “retard” which I find flabbergasting given the amount of stick they have had to take from society over their own special needs brother.  To use such an ugly word when it has been used in such an ugly way towards one of your own baffles me.

His new wife piped up in this bizarre online attack claiming to know my brother personally and adding her own words of venom.  I was tempted to ask if watching a video of her sucking off my ex suddenly made us all friends.  I refrained.

I’ve always managed to maintain the moral high ground, to this day, never retaliating despite the ridiculous number of things I’ve been subjected to.  People often mistake patience for weakness.  My patience is wearing thin.

Blokes?!!

A couple recent encounters with some mildly bitter men had me thinking if, as women, we’re too harsh in our judgements of them in the Muslim “get to know you for marriage” world or indeed any dating capacity?

When I scour over bloke’s profiles, a lot of what comes up is; “no time-wasters”, “no gold diggers”, “nobody who still carries their baggage from the past”. I tend to always swipe left.  It screams of a negative man who has clearly been bitten in the past and now feels the need to place a “no cold callers” type of sticker on his dating/marriage profile.  It’s akin to me writing, “no man whores” on mine.  It’s common sense.

But am I being too judgemental?  Do they have valid reasons for writing these types of comments on their profiles.  Are we women doing the same to blokes as we often complain they do to us?

I’ve always imagined it to be pretty easy for the guys so I’m intrigued to hear from men about their rishta/marriage hunt and how their online or otherwise experiences tend to go.  What seems to be the common theme, if there is one, when getting to know a woman?  No holds barred but what are your species looking for?!

Officially Wife No. 1

As year four of the split comes closer, it’s unusual for me to have thoughts about my ex or my marriage.  So when I do, it can catch me off guard and lead to a strange mix of emotions.

For a few weeks now, I’ve had this feeling, as though I was being prepared for some news to come my way about my ex.  Living in a small town, it’s easily heard and difficult to avoid.  I knew he was married, thanks to the many people who attended his wedding (and felt the need to send me photos from it).  I figured he was probably going to become a father soon and feeling sorry for the possible foetus, thought nothing more of it.

I was sat with my sister at the weekend as she received some snapchats.  I caught glimpses of the photos.  It turns out I was wrong about the baby but rather, it was a very late walima party.  I could’ve shrugged it off like I did with the wedding but this time, possibly because of the deflated way I was already feeling, I couldn’t.  I felt stung by the injustice of it all.