The Final Goodbye

I had a moment of realisation whilst away and perhaps from my last post, folk might have guessed that I was leading upto this.  It’s obvious now, for me, that this blog has reached the end of its purpose.

Its purpose was mainly cathartic and through it, I connected with many wonderful people who provided me with love, support and advice in their own ways.  There’s absolutely no regret in my mind for starting this, not only for what it provided me but also as a platform for other women (and men), going through life’s difficulties to connect.

The decision to end this blog has happened for a couple of reasons:

I don’t associate myself as a “divorcee” or really feel the need to pigeon hole myself into that little box anymore.  I’d rather describe myself as a slightly mad, fiesty but underneath it all, a warmhearted and wonderful person.

Secondly, whilst I haven’t been particularly bothered about people knowing about my blog, the focus of my writings is changing.  I would rather not talk about certain intimate details with people whom I don’t really involve in my life.  It’s surprised me  over the past few months that there are people reading this blog whom I wouldn’t have thought cared much about what I have to say; if I was to be cynical, perhaps it’s a way of keeping up with some gossip that my life may be providing.

Divorce ignited within me a passion for writing.  I will continue writing on a different platform and for those who aren’t directly linked to me but I have developed a connection with you through this blog, I am happy to share it and keep in touch.  You all know who you are so pop me an email and I will re-connect with you.  For others, whom I don’t really know but have been reading this, I apologise but I am aiming to keep the next blog fairly private from my personal circle so unless we have shared some communications, I won’t be sharing the details.  I hope this is understandable.

Through this blog, I am hoping to setup an initiative with an established women’s helpline to provide further support, whether it be religious or emotional, to Muslim women going through divorce.  One thing that has become clear is that we get lost in the process.  There is a lack of religious guidance out there but more importantly empathy from religious leaders .  This is something, through our helpline, which we hope to change.  Should there be an avenue where we can take this online then we will endeavour to do so and I will update this blog if it happens.

My email account will be active and I am happy to still provide support.  There’s something to be said about the power of an online community.  And to that community; thank you for your amazing support over the years.  Your own experiences and advice helped in more ways than I can ever express.  In return, I hope this blog has been and will continue to be of use to others going through similar situations.

It’s been four years of cataloguing pain, tears and heartache.  I’ll be honest, it’s probably taken me that long to stop feeling so angry.  However I can also see the wonderful opportunities that life has provided me which I would never have experienced otherwise.  Life goes on.  It takes time to find yourself again but once you do, the possibilities are endless.  We may never be the same but that’s not to say that we can’t become better versions of ourselves.

And on that note…..love and hugs.  Goodbye from me.

Throwbacks

Eid Mubarak to one and all.  My own one for a number of reasons; working, recent bereavement of a dear relative and another family member going through difficulties (who is usually the life and soul of the party) made for a somewhat subdued Eid.  I did however enjoy the time with the masses in the evening.

I was writing in my journal this evening, a bit of time to myself.  How much writing do I do?  Blog, odd articles, journal…..!  I love these moments where I can retreat into my own thoughts.  I imagine an empty page, to me, is probably what a canvas looks like to a painter.  My journal is a close friend to me, encapsulating the worst of  my thoughts and the best of them.  I took myself to the beginning this evening and read through a few of the earlier entries in this particular book.  It got me thinking and I decided to include some of the entries into the blog.

The journal is a bit more raw, for some reason, than the blog.  I still can’t help but think…..was that really me?  It’s a powerful reminder of who I was reduced to, to who I am now – one amazingly strong woman in pursuit of life.

Lumps and Bumps

One thing I’m good at, post divorce, is riding out loss of control.  I still don’t like it but I’ve developed a real understanding that I’m not in charge.  So when things are falling apart around me, I know that at some point, they will come together again….even if it’s a bit disjointed when it does.

I’m waiting on the results of a biopsy this week.  I’m not particularly stressed or phased by it.  I’ve had it done before, a number of years ago.  Unfortunately I’m prone to developing this pea sized lump that we women dread to find.  The last one left of its own accord.  I was a bit complacent in getting this one checked, thinking it would do the same.  It may well do but there’s a length of time that’s sensible to wait and then there’s one that’s not.

The experience of a biopsy is never pleasant especially when it’s a male doctor and lady parts involved.  I appreciate my doctor was a kind man, trying to make me comfortable but talking about my day with my bits hanging out was just not working for me.  Thankfully, after a couple attempts, he left me to my own devices; humming the theme tune to Ghostbusters (I didn’t even realise I knew the theme tune to Ghostbusters, kindly doctor pointed it out).

I feel exhausted and whilst pretty hopeful that the biopsy is clear, I’m sure that there is something lacking.  It’s not like me to turn down a night out, cancel on friends or have to take myself to bed at 9pm.  Vitamin D deficiency, my sister in law thinks.  Anaemia, my friend thinks.  Overworked, my mum thinks.  I don’t have the energy to think.  Goodnight!

Stop

Life can be a cruel reminder that it stops for noone.  Death visits but life carries on for those of us left.  Much like divorce, over time, people will forget the pain but not the one who lost.  I learnt from my time to never compare pain.  People won’t want to here how hard it was when you lost your granny while they grieve for theirs.  I didn’t want to hear how hard others found loss as I grieved over mine.

I learnt life isn’t a two way street.  What you do for others won’t necessarily have been done for you when you needed it.  And that’s ok, the key is to keep doing.  I learnt that you can do a hundred things for someone but people will always remember that one thing you never did, allowing it to absolve you of any good.  And that’s hard but it’s ok because you know.

“Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crépe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good”.

I Haven’t Changed

That’s a lie.  Whenever people come out of some major life changing event and claim to be the same person.  It’s quite simply a lie.

It’s not possible to remain the same.  Is it so shameful to have been changed by life anyway?

I, for one, am not the same person I was pre-divorce.  Yes I do think I can spot a bullshitter from miles away but just because I think it doesn’t actually mean I can.  In other words, I’m more cynical of what comes out of people’s mouths.  I’m even more no-nonsense than what I used to be because frankly, I just wasted five years of my life and I can’t be bothered with games anymore.  I don’t like to depend upon anybody as I hate the feeling of reliance.

But change isn’t always negative.  I’m emotional and not necessarily in a bad way.  I’ve been exposed to one of life’s most intense pains and I can feel things which I never have before.  I take care of others because I don’t like to think of people being alone.  I love more because I understand true love better.  I watch out for my girls because I realise that it would only have taken one person asking the right question to have helped me out of a bad situation.  I try to help where I can because I was once that person in need.

Life changed me…….maybe it’s not all that bad.

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