Balancing the Scales

I’m preparing to embark on another journey, a small one this time but one of the most significant I feel.  Prior to travelling, I met a group, who provided me with some valuable words.  I spoke about my past today, something I haven’t done in a while and whilst I didn’t particularly enjoy it, maybe it was needed.

One of the most important things I have come to realise is that I’m done with reacting.  This is a situation whereby there will always be emotions that run deep.  I may feel that I have conquered hurt, betrayal, abuse however the reality is that it can take something unsuspecting to trigger another emotion lying deeper.  Reacting gives my control away; reacting gives my control to those who held power over me five years ago and whom I have allowed to continue to do so.

So it’s time to forgive and move on.  I’m not talking about my ex – strangely that happened a long time ago.  But to clear the remains of negativity that has followed for so long.

My in-laws for one.  There have been a number of pieces which I have written about my relationship with them.  We live in the same city and we will frequent the same places.  I have a tendency to avoid going anywhere if I know they will be there.  The thoughts of how I would react upon seeing them used to play in my mind.  However they are my past.  They don’t hold any power over me nor me over them.

My ex’s (ex) friends.  A select few have been on the receiving end of my resentment for years.  But that only serves to affect me, not them.  Perhaps somewhere deep down they do care about their actions and carry some remorse.  Maybe they don’t.  I’ve come to realise though that the world is filled with more good than it is bad.  For that reason, I like to think they made an error in judgement and it was never done from some inherently bad place.

So it’s time to move on from these people.  My issues with them are done.  My writings about them are done.  With so many bigger problems around us, my energy and time can be spent on more productive things.  Peace and love.

 

I Haven’t Changed

That’s a lie.  Whenever people come out of some major life changing event and claim to be the same person.  It’s quite simply a lie.

It’s not possible to remain the same.  Is it so shameful to have been changed by life anyway?

I, for one, am not the same person I was pre-divorce.  Yes I do think I can spot a bullshitter from miles away but just because I think it doesn’t actually mean I can.  In other words, I’m more cynical of what comes out of people’s mouths.  I’m even more no-nonsense than what I used to be because frankly, I just wasted five years of my life and I can’t be bothered with games anymore.  I don’t like to depend upon anybody as I hate the feeling of reliance.

But change isn’t always negative.  I’m emotional and not necessarily in a bad way.  I’ve been exposed to one of life’s most intense pains and I can feel things which I never have before.  I take care of others because I don’t like to think of people being alone.  I love more because I understand true love better.  I watch out for my girls because I realise that it would only have taken one person asking the right question to have helped me out of a bad situation.  I try to help where I can because I was once that person in need.

Life changed me…….maybe it’s not all that bad.

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