Although I thought I would post an update again as I seem to do this every year, I will be honest, I had to think about what year it was post split. Time has gone on and the bitter, difficult memories that were once there have all but almost vanished.
In saying that, I always find October through to the end of the year to be difficult. I’m not sure if subconsciously I know it’s when things unravelled or whether it’s generally the time I come back from travelling so takes me a while to adjust back to being home again.
Although pain subsides, you become forever changed by it. I use the word subside. I don’t believe it has altogether vanished, even four years on. I have the faint remains of hurt still left from everything that happened and although it doesn’t happen often, it can still catch me unaware. I’ve learnt to try to acknowledge the pain when it’s there and to never allow myself to feel ashamed for being upset. I can hand on heart say I carry no feelings whether they be positive emotions or negative towards my ex. I just don’t care. I don’t think that was anything new to this year however.
Most emotions I experience nowadays normally arise from loneliness and that’s a difficult one to overcome. Infact that’s probably been my biggest challenge this year particularly. At times the loneliness has felt unbearable. Perhaps being around a lot of men in my most recent travel compounded this when I returned. I’ve since ended up with a few male friends, something which I never bothered with in the past. If I was to dig deep and be honest with myself, I know it’s because I miss male company. I miss flirting. I miss being held. I miss all that comes with having someone. Disclaimer: I’m not “with” any of these friends but they’re good chat and so far distance prevents me from getting into any trouble with one who may like me a bit more.
It’s maybe been a year of self development. I understand the difficult emotions that my split has left me with, a bit better than I did before. I’ve been consciously working on my trust issues and particularly how guarded I can be. Whilst there are things I won’t divulge to a guy I’m getting to know, I’ve learnt to let go a little and understand that relationships require a bit of giving yourself if it’s to develop. What’s the worse that will happen? I may get hurt but I’ve been hurt worse in the past and I got over it so I’ll manage. That’s the risk you take if you want a relationship.
This year has definitely been more focussed on the dating and spouse search. I’ve met and spoken to a few blokes this year. What’s maybe clear to me is that I’m not what most men are looking for. I’m different to the ideal they have in their mind…..and that’s ok. I get told by people that I have high standards. I maintain that it is easy to find “any guy” if you want to. Personally, I’m looking for someone with a bit of heart and soul. If that makes me fussy, then so be it. There is definitely a stigma that divorced women are still subjected to. I surprise myself by how well I take it. It doesn’t really affect me too much but if you’re of a sensitive disposition then do brace yourself. Men aren’t so polite about it.
I do believe 2017 will bring about a number of changes due to a few decisions I intend to make. Although I’ve tried not to let it be, I allowed 2016 to become a waiting game. I’ve been waiting for someone as though that will make my life happier. I just need to loosen up and live life a bit more freely.