Four Years

Although I thought I would post an update again as I seem to do this every year, I will be honest, I had to think about what year it was post split.  Time has gone on and the bitter, difficult memories that were once there have all but almost vanished.

In saying that, I always find October through to the end of the year to be difficult.  I’m not sure if subconsciously I know it’s when things unravelled or whether it’s generally the time I come back from travelling so takes me a while to adjust back to being home again.

Although pain subsides, you become forever changed by it.  I use the word subside.  I don’t believe it has altogether vanished, even four years on.  I have the faint remains of hurt still left from everything that happened and although it doesn’t happen often, it can still catch me unaware.  I’ve learnt to try to acknowledge the pain when it’s there and to never allow myself to feel ashamed for being upset.  I can hand on heart say I carry no feelings whether they be positive emotions or negative towards my ex.  I just don’t care.  I don’t think that was anything new to this year however.

Most emotions I experience nowadays normally arise from loneliness and that’s a difficult one to overcome.  Infact that’s probably been my biggest challenge this year particularly.  At times the loneliness has felt unbearable.  Perhaps being around a lot of men in my most recent travel compounded this when I returned.  I’ve since ended up with a few male friends, something which I never bothered with in the past.  If I was to dig deep and be honest with myself, I know it’s because I miss male company.  I miss flirting.  I miss being held.  I miss all that comes with having someone.  Disclaimer:  I’m not “with” any of these friends but they’re good chat and so far distance prevents me from getting into any trouble with one who may like me a bit more.

It’s maybe been a year of self development.  I understand the difficult emotions that my split has left me with, a bit better than I did before.  I’ve been consciously working on my trust issues and particularly how guarded I can be.  Whilst there are things I won’t divulge to a guy I’m getting to know, I’ve learnt to let go a little and understand that relationships require a bit of giving yourself if it’s to develop.  What’s the worse that will happen?  I may get hurt but I’ve been hurt worse in the past and I got over it so I’ll manage.  That’s the risk you take if you want a relationship.

This year has definitely been more focussed on the dating and spouse search.  I’ve met and spoken to a few blokes this year.  What’s maybe clear to me is that I’m not what most men are looking for.  I’m different to the ideal they have in their mind…..and that’s ok.  I get told by people that I have high standards.  I maintain that it is easy to find “any guy” if you want to.  Personally, I’m looking for someone with a bit of heart and soul.  If that makes me fussy, then so be it.  There is definitely a stigma that divorced women are still subjected to.  I surprise myself by how well I take it.  It doesn’t really affect me too much but if you’re of a sensitive disposition then do brace yourself.  Men aren’t so polite about it.

I do believe 2017 will bring about a number of changes due to a few decisions I intend to make.   Although I’ve tried not to let it be, I allowed 2016 to become a waiting game.  I’ve been waiting for someone as though that will make my life happier.  I just need to loosen up and live life a bit more freely.

8 thoughts on “Four Years

  1. I loved reading this. You sum up emotiomal pain so well. Particulary with regards to missing male company. I miss the banter man. It’s nice to admit that out loud. We shy away from such admissions as a culture…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment tam. Banter is fun and that’s probably why I ended up with some guy friends because I do miss it a lot and maybe it takes away from the loneliness a touch x may we learn to love ourselves first and find love in all it true forms xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Salaam, I just recently started following your blog. As a muslim woman from a conservative culture, I truly empathize with you. As someone currently undergoing a divorce, I have come to realize that sometimes we may search for an ideal that doesn’t exist. I am in my late twenties and going through a divorce, something I never knew I would experience. It does a number on you really, when you’re in your late twenties and in your thirties, getting a divorce and having no children yet. You wonder if you will even have the chance to become a mother. Anyway, I hope that you eventually find someone who will build a home with you and treat you with the level of respect that you deserve.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment anon and I also wish you ease through this difficult time. It does do a number on you and leaves you with a lot of difficult questions/thoughts about yourself as well as the future. X


  3. Dear Anonymous ^

    I am also in my late 20’s and, exactly 1 year ago, made the decision to leave my physically and emotionally abusive marriage. I was barely married for 8-9 months. When I left my ex, I was extremely lucky to have a wonderful support network including my family and a couple of friends. Despite that, a few times a week I would cry myself to sleep. I would wonder if I had been denied the chance to ever have children, to ever be loved and cared for and have a family. I truly believed that chance was well and truly gone for me and I felt cheated – considering my marriage didn’t even last that long.

    Then, some 3 months ago now, someone wonderful walked into my life. It came out of nowhere and he accepts my situation, despite never having been married ever before. He is caring, respect and loving and understands my need to take my time and proceed with caution this time. My point for telling you this is – InshAllah when the time is right, when you least expect it, there will be someone. If Allah removes someone from your life, it is usually to replace it with something better. I remained steadfast in my prayers, I would literally sit on the prayer mat and cry and ask Allah to send a loving , caring pious man into my life who would make a good husband and father. Remain patient and pray and InshAllah all will work out. I wish you the very best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Shukran for your post! Id have to say, I have put my trust in Allah SWT when it comes to my life as Allah knows best. I am happy that you found someone! Inshallah all goes well for the both of you!
      I am also so sorry for your experience with your past marriage. I am sure that it is not easy for you having to recover from that but Inshallah you will heal and forget about it.

      Once again, thank you so much for the encouragement. May Allah SWT reward you for your kindness 🙂


    • I do remember you sharing your story in another post. So pleased to hear you’re doing well and have found somebody who appears to respect the difficulties you went through. Perhaps that is the key, to just step back from it rather than this mad obsessive search we end up on. For now, feeling a bit deflated by the search, I’ve decided to take a break and focus on myself for now x


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