Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat?

Hearing about people cheat brings about an emotionally charged response from me.  Expected, no doubt, but I’ve also no doubt people underestimate how severe my repulsion is towards those that do it.  This past week brings me to my best friend who has entered into “talks” with a man who cheated on his wife.

She was nervous about telling me.  “I’m talking to somebody…..and you’re not going to like it”, she said in one breath.  My smile faltered.  He was somebody high profile who last year had cheated on his wife.  His wife upon finding explicit images exchanged between him and his female married boss, promptly went to the papers where her husband’s name was spared but the boss, not so lucky.  I suppressed, despite my inner self wanting to smack her, and listened.

He was remorseful.  She explained this wasn’t my ex who hadn’t held his hands up to anything but he admitted it all.  Surely people deserve a second chance if they’ve realised the error of their ways, she asked.  She wanted my advice as she valued me.  She wanted me to be straight.  She would cut it off if I didn’t approve because that’s how close we are….

I don’t approve.  In my head, all cheaters should be dumped in a pit and left to their own underground orgies.  To me, cheating is morally corrupt.  It’s not anything to do with the faith or faithless but rather to do with upholding good moral character.  Ir surprised me slightly as to how much internal emotion this conversation caused.

Things are tense between us.  I gave her my thoughts a couple days later and I won’t lie, I was emotional not logical.  We spoke again a week later.  It became clear to me that whilst she was hoping for my approval, ultimately it doesn’t really matter.  “Your situation can’t dictate my life”, she told me.

I’ve tried to understand what upsets me most about it all.  Perhaps I’m shocked that someone so close to me, having seen the repercussions from an affair, would consider entering into a relationship with the very person that caused that type of pain.  Perhaps I once again feel deflated by something I have come to realise; those who cheat carry on with life as normal, there are no real consequences.   But for those of us left in their path of destruction, it is us who continue to struggle with the consequences of their actions.

11 thoughts on “Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat?

  1. Oh my how this has resonated with me! Having been a victim of a cheating ex husband, my blood boils knowing nothing really changed for him yet I must live with the consequences of his actions for the rest of my life, emotionally and mentally. It is as though u just penned my sentiments exactly. Keep goin ur doin an amazing job x

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    • Sorry to hear about your own circumstances shaz. It is an emotional and mental battle. The scars left, never fully go! I have no doubt this whole incident has change me, in some ways for the better but I’m also aware, in some ways for the worse x

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  2. Yes if you’ve been cheated upon you can one day forgive but it does stay with you. You may want to forget but it is a pernicious thing it comes back to you at the most unexpected time. You might be in the throws of lovemaking and suddenly you freeze: did he do that with her? Does he still think about her? You might have both decided that this was going to be a “make” rather than a “break” but sometimes you feel that a clean break would have been easier…they come back late? You’re anxious. I remember a woman saying that all men if offered it on a plate, in the right circumstances , would be unfaithful, I remember being angry at her and thinking “not my husbsnd”…life teaches you things for a reason …Sometimes it’s not obvious why…but I am sure that while I think of her, he doesn’t anymore…so why do I still? It’s not the physical cheating it’s the lies, the other things that went with it…yet I knows he loves me (well this is it because it has happened,I don’t totally believe it, not like before) why the truth I have chosen to believe would be more the truth than what she once believed? Why would the words he tells me be more truthful than the lovely words I found on a text to her that he said to me are “bullshit”…because we’re still married? Because we’re still together? As he once said…well maybe and maybe not: being together was definitely the easiest thing to do materially, we have a family and a house…but what I need is a change in his post cheating behaviour that would show me I was special to his heart …for you there is the added fact that fault is always found with the woman than rather the man and because of this you still suffer the consequences of his cheating. Yet it’s a good thing it happened as you are out of a violent relationship and you’ve already achieved much more than you would if you’d remained a married woman. Your friend didn’t do it to upset you she just fell in love…the man might have changed he might really regret what he did and really be resolved to never do it again…he might even have got with the woman because she was his boss (a sort of gigolo) who knows? Or he might just know what to tell her to get her and might not be trustworthy. You’ve told her what you think now it is up to her to make that decision. Don’t be angry don’t be too harsh to judge her. Say your piece and stand back , as most likely she’ll need you to help her pick up the pieces…as for you you have come far away from that abused and cheated upon young woman that you were: continue to grow strong mature and wise and remain challenging it’ll take some time to find a man, but when you do it will be very special. When I was faced with that decision I asked Jesus to help me , put your trust in Allah He will help you. Or if it is a good thing in your faith to ask Eesa son of Mary ask him too but only if you’re allowed. I’ll keep you in my prayers.x
    Barthola

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    • Wow barthola. I always look forward to your comments as I feel, even through a computer screen, you have a lot of spiritual wisdom and energy about you. I’m not sure if you were referring to your own circumstances or being hypothetical. Either way, it was extremely powerful. I think I’m coming to the conclusion that I have said my piece and I can only advise now without focussing on the cheating. I’m going to have to just treat that as a side matter and perhaps just be the friend she expects me to be. Do I believe people change? Possibly. Do I believe they get to start again with somebody as classy as my friend? No.

      I need to align my faith and turn to God more, you’re correct in that too xx

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  3. Your last sentences are so true, when the ones causing pain don’t take accountability for what they’ve done the pain seems to last a little longer and aches that little bit more. On my dark days I feel as if my ex is living happily with his family and often forget that their version of ‘happiness’ is barely humane. I remind myself God is just and He has compensated so much through His mercy.

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  4. Although I never had anybody cheat on me, I am repulsed by people who cheat on their better halves, and to me emotional cheating is as bad as having sex outside of your relationship. But having lived with a friend who has time and again taken back her boy who has cheated on her and disrespected her, I can say, there are people who forgive not just their past but also their present actions. I moved out after an year of putting up with her self destructive behavior because I was being emotionally dragged down with her. I realized, there is only so much I could do, it is up to her how she wants to live her life. We are friends, but it’s never going to be the same.
    I hope he doesn’t give your friend a reason to regret her decision.

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  5. Hey i myself was at the receiving end of a girl whom at a time we were involved with each other but then she started liking someone else out of nowwhere and kinda off slept with that guy. I wonder how do people just play with emotions.

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