Blokes?!!

A couple recent encounters with some mildly bitter men had me thinking if, as women, we’re too harsh in our judgements of them in the Muslim “get to know you for marriage” world or indeed any dating capacity?

When I scour over bloke’s profiles, a lot of what comes up is; “no time-wasters”, “no gold diggers”, “nobody who still carries their baggage from the past”. I tend to always swipe left.  It screams of a negative man who has clearly been bitten in the past and now feels the need to place a “no cold callers” type of sticker on his dating/marriage profile.  It’s akin to me writing, “no man whores” on mine.  It’s common sense.

But am I being too judgemental?  Do they have valid reasons for writing these types of comments on their profiles.  Are we women doing the same to blokes as we often complain they do to us?

I’ve always imagined it to be pretty easy for the guys so I’m intrigued to hear from men about their rishta/marriage hunt and how their online or otherwise experiences tend to go.  What seems to be the common theme, if there is one, when getting to know a woman?  No holds barred but what are your species looking for?!

15 thoughts on “Blokes?!!

  1. Have you come across my profile by any chance?? I’ve got no time wasters because what I’ve learnt is that girls just like a bit of pillow talk whereas I’m looking for the real deal, serious about marriage. They want this guy they can offload to and a security of just having someone around but when it comes to the serious part of ok let’s get families involved, they’re nowhere to be seen, drag it out or just disappear. It’s not a one off thing am afraid. Guys get a bad rep but ladies can be accused of doing the same thing. If you’re after just a friend then don’t go onto the marriage websites, go somewhere else to play around…..

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    • Interesting! But do you feel that by writing it on your profile, it gets rid of the time wasters? I do agree that I think people like a bit of pillow talk. An attention thing to an extent. I think it’s possible to weed them out by finding out what stage they’re wanting to involve their families…..

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  2. Recent rishta. Met my mum TWICE. Talked for a while. Both happy. Kept asking for her family to get involved. I’m Indian. She Pakistani. From experience I know this can be a problem so clarified. Supposedly not a problem. After meeting my mum and pressure from me, turns around and sez her family not happy with an Indian boy. Come on. 5 months or so?? You couldn’t have figured this out earlier. Sorry but girls don’t live in the reality a lot of the time. I’m aware men mess about but it works both ways.

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    • Ugh that sucks. It is odd though for a gal to meet the guy’s parents I think and not have her family involved so she probably did know it would be an issue. I think we maybe think we can sweet talk family around sometimes or don’t anticipate the reaction to be as bad as it is. But pt to note ladies, just be upfront with the folks from day one unless you plan to go against them that is.

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  3. Matched with a girl on muzmatch, got talking initial conversation went well. Swapped numbers after approx 2 weeks. Met soon after for coffee. Really enjoyed her company, super intelligent girl, conversation flowed. After first date we were in daily contact via calls and text and also met up multiple times. So there’s me thinking it’s going well and there is mutual interest. She had a trip to Pakistan planned this is approx 3 months after first match, she tells me she has a cousin there who has recently been in touch and there has been rishta talk! Her family want her to spend some time with him whilst she’s there. She tells me she feels compelled to explore this avenue and can’t keep talking to me whilst she’s getting to know this other guy. Now I’m not sure if the whole Pakistan story was some elaborate way to tell me she had met someone else or just wasn’t interested as she didn’t seem like the girl that would marry her cousin from ‘back home’ but that was the end of the, I wished her well and went on our separate ways. This experiencing although disappointing and I won’t lie was guttedgutted, hasn’t made me bitter in the slightest. Did take a break from the ‘search’ afterwards but now I’m back on the horse and making dua I’ll meet the right woman soon. Insha Allah.

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    • You know this is something I do think we’re guilty of. Not being upfront. It could well have been an out on her part or family pressure maybe. Rather than tell a bloke that something has changed our minds, we either keep it going or make a number of excuses. Glad you’re not bitter but I can imagine if things like this continuously happen to guys then they do become a bit more sceptical.

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  4. I think it’s less dramatic than that and women should avoid this kind of men not because they are being negative but because they are being sneaky or stupid…who in their right mind would think such statements work…I think it’s used to take women guard off by saying hey I’m a victim here so u shouldn’t worry about my intentions…

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  5. I think you’re trying to answer too many questions at one go or maybe it’s just my primitive male mindset
    Ok so firstly, why would a guy have something up on his account that would basically deter some women?
    … Just for that particular reason…
    To deter SOME women
    Just as easily as we can’t group all males in one bracket – we can’t paint all women with the same brush
    And by default, thinking that the guy is being judgemental right off the bat just by his account… Kinda makes you judgemental too
    But calm down
    If a woman had ‘no time wasters’ on her profile, we are slightly more accommodating in the sense that we go ‘awww I hope nobody broke her heart.” But to say that a man that has the same’ no time wasters’ on his profile suffered a lesser degree of heartbreak (if any) is a kinda sucky thought as much as intrinsic gender roles are concerned.

    Maybe he just literally wants to get married (ASAP), hopefully to someone that also wouldn’t want to waste time
    After all, maybe a person’s ‘warming up’ period differs from person to person. We’ve all heard of someone that “fell in love at first sight” and both wanted to get married as soon as their parents allowed (lol)
    Similarly we all know know high school sweethearts that only got married a good few years later when they both secured jobs at >24.
    Now all of this is completely igniting the whole halaal/haraam debate as much as dating in Islam is concerned.
    Some people might consider just texting a girl as haraam whereas some might only draw the line (or not) at getting super physical. (btw I said super just in case you thought I meant handshaking)
    Me personally, I don’t believe in dating before marriage. I’m just against it. Perhaps it’s because of my family/upbringing or maybe just because I’m ridiculously shy and wouldn’t let myself into a situation like that
    So either you’re blessed with an outgoing personality that allows you to have the confidence to talk to the girl you like or you can just ask your brown parents to rishta me.
    Which isn’t saying that it’s easy, it’s bad enough having to talk to brown parents for just about everything, so if you have parents that you can talk to, you’re blessed.
    If your only other option is Muslim dating apps, then so be it. But just because the persons account that popped up says ‘no time wasters’ doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an awful bore. Maybe that’s their only way of protecting themselves
    Wishing you well in on your journey that has already been written by the greatest of writers – and where it’s just up to you to follow the way the only way you know how, one day at a time.

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    • Muslim bachelor, thanks for your comment. I have asked a load of questions lol but I’ll leave it to people to want to answer how they see fit or really as I was hoping was just to get an insight into the male world of marriage hunting. But to go back to your points, there is surely no way writing these statements allows anybody to filter the play abouts from the serious ppl? I wouldn’t label somebody as an awful bore for having that on their profile but I would assume (perhaps the judgyness coming out) that they’re battered and bruised from something which puts me off. At the age of 30 plus which would be the age range I’m scoping, we all near enough have a story which I’m happy enough if you want to share when we start talking but I find a bit off putting reading about an insecurity on someone’s profile. Kudos to ppl who are softer than me when seeing things like that on profiles.

      I’m not for dating as such either however am fine with meeting people out with family settings. We all have ways which we’re comfortable doing things so I can appreciate what you say about your own circumstances. Good luck! And Ameen 🙂

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