The Fixer

Some self understanding took place recently.  I’m a fixer and drawn to men with issues.  Not to fix a bad boy into good but something within me hones in on helping people with their problems.  Sounds like a good trait and for the most part, I probably agree.  As human beings go, I don’t think I’m quite on the shit list.

When it comes to relationships though, I’m of the opinion it’s not the best quality to have.  I don’t really want to be attracted to a guy because I think I can help him.  I want to be drawn to a man because I genuinely like him and think we can have a good life together.

I can definitely see a trend in my man choices.  Prior to my ex, there was Omar.  A London boy, met at an engagement party, introduced through a friend.  Omar had some massive kidney issue, almost at death’s door one point in his life but a kidney transplant gave him a new lease and bought him ten plus years.  He wasn’t a particularly nice human being.  Wounded by life, in pain at times (a transplant doesn’t come without some residual problems) and a touch bitter.  It fizzled out fairly quickly, from memory we were only in touch for a few months.  Being a young 20 something year old, I didn’t have much experience in dealing with these things.

My ex.  The outcast of his family.  Constant victim so I’m not even sure where to begin.  The fixer in me probably assuming, I could make him happy.  Throughout marriage, the empath in me not realising the strength that was being sapped out of me to help someone who didn’t actually need it nor really deserved it.

Post marriage.  Professor Kanobi.  An Oz based in Britain.  Again, introduced through a friend.  As it turned out suffering from some undiagnosable condition starting to affect his dexterity.  Said undiagnosable condition didn’t particularly put me off but differences in opinion and thinking caused me to step back.

As a fixer, I’m aware that I possibly derive some sort of value from helping people.  Low self esteem in teenage years making me think it’s all I had to offer.  Nowadays, I feel sure that I’m a pretty good catch (let’s not dwell on the black mark of divorce) and despite my self esteem taking a battering in the marriage, it’s probably the highest its been…….so I’m not quite sure why the pattern continues…..?!





4 thoughts on “The Fixer

  1. This is a really important point. Especially since from what I’ve seen women are often raised to be people-pleasers: it’s out job to smooth over conflicts, lend a sympathetic ear, and be nurturing and caring. Sometimes this empathy really does backfire and one ends up investing emotionally in people who have no appreciation for these qualities, and indeed seem to take them for granted. Developing self-esteem tends to mean you can now spot these people a mile off and can tell them to eff orf with no need to apologise for it. It’s a good feeling 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Here’s hoping JoJo! I still have doubts over my own judgement but am trying to trust my gut instincts nowadays!

      True we are raised as hanji hanji people but I don’t think we’re necessarily all fixers. Some woman are strong enough within themselves to not derive fulfilment solely from being a people pleaser.


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