Emotional blocking, that’s been me down to a T. Throughout the years, it’s been easier to bury the pain. I don’t mean speaking about things that happened, that was almost mechanical and pretty easy. But really allowing myself to feel the pain, that was too hard.
The problem with trying to block emotions is that they always resurface. You can keep that bad boy hidden for years and occasionally he tries to sneak out before you manage put him back in his place again. My emotional bad boy, I call him Mackle or Mack for short.
My emotions resurfaced when I started getting to know a man. I got my first flashback a few months ago and swiftly put Mack back in his place, that deep dark place where not even I can venture in knowingly. Mack caught me offguard (as he often does), he appeared rudely out of nowhere and disrupted my day, stopping me temporarily from enjoying the glorious scenes around me. Then my back hurt. That’s where Mack decided to lodge himself. What a d*ck.
Feel it to heal it, a friend told me after a chat. I decided next time, to try to give it a bash. Mack was being a pain in the ass, metaphorically and literally. The next time he reappeared, I let him stay. I felt the twinges of pain; humiliation, hurt, shame…….then gone.
Since that day, I’ve continued this way. Feeling it. Healing it. A memory visits and I allow myself to immerse in it. The good ones and the bad ones tend to be laced with pain yet the stab has turned now to a gentle nudge with each one that’s replayed.
Never have I felt more connected to myself or to the emotions within myself.
I feel wonderful.