Shhhhhh

The last post on this topic resulted in a few messages from upset friends, some family members wanting to “check in” (I have a feeling they read the post but they are a sweet bunch so could genuinely have been checking in) and bizarrely quite a few emails from people who have misidentified me as one of their family members!  I have no issues with people who know me reading the blog but I keep most of those thoughts here, they don’t venture out into my reality, not yet anyway.

I’ve been troubled by something recently.  It came to light that my ex is getting married soon*.  Yes a little part of me is gutted that I never beat him to it but common sense prevailed before I dragged my only proposer, Abdul from Trinidad**, down the aisle.  Anyway, the whole marriage thing isn’t what bothers me.  I mentioned to my brother that I felt sorry for mistress as she doesn’t know what’s about to come her way.  “She knows what she got into” was his reply.  The remains of my brother’s anger still catches me offguard and although I understand it, I don’t agree with what he said,

Clare’s law.  I remember listening with interest to all the ongoing debates before Clare’s law was piloted in England.  It’s essentially a disclosure scheme allowing woman to check with the police if their current partner has a history of domestic violence.  It was named after Clare Wood who was killed by her partner, unaware of his history of violence against women including repeated harassment, threats and the knifepoint kidnapping of another ex-girlfriend.

Clare’s law however wouldn’t help the likes of people who enter into a relationship with my ex husband; I never disclosed any crimes against him.  As if coming out of a relationship with a violent cheat doesn’t leave you with enough issues to deal with, add onto it a sense of guilt.  Guilt for never being strong enough to be able to report it to the police.

Now you get to the crux of it.  As a result of my inactions, have I endangered other women?  I try to justify it in different ways to myself yet I am still left with that churning feeling inside that tells me the answer is yes.

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*Point to note: people still like to throw my ex’s name around to me and this is how the news came out.  It could well be a rumour and I haven’t cared enough to find out.
**Abdul is actually from Trinidad and Tobago, “proposed” through twitter,  Who said romance was dead?

4 thoughts on “Shhhhhh

  1. No, you absolutely have not and don’t ever think like that. Besides, had he been convicted of anything (best case scenario) he sounds manipulative enough to have kept it hidden or under wraps. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself and I’m inclined to agree with your brother – you yourself call her the ‘mistress’ – this is enough to prove she knows what she’s going into. What self respecting woman would have anything to do with a man after finding out he has been up to all sorts with her while still married to another woman?! Focus on your own goals and prosperous future ia, xxx

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    • I hear what you’re saying and this forms one of the arguments I make to myself. In my eyes, she was a stupid woman and probably still is. However, even stupidity doesn’t deserve what’s about to come her way. I try not to think too much about it as like somebody else said, I’m very much aware thay she wouldn’t believe me anyway! It just gnaws at me here and there xx

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  2. No. It is *not* your fault.

    SubhanAllah just last night I emailed some people asking for leads and resources or research on how there should be rehabilitation or intervention for abusers. My concern was that my ex (and others) would go on undetected and harm the next person. And then this morning I read this!

    Firstly, it is not on you. It was already so difficult for YOU to face the fact that YOU got abused, and it took time to even tell someone ELSE. Don’t feel guilty. For one, this girl (I presume the one he cheated on you with) knew she was going to marry someone wonky, even if she’s not aware of his violent tendencies yet! If she was a completely innocent and a really genuinely nice girl who got match-made with him, then yeah, perhaps there are grounds (but still very fuzzy!) for you to feel guilty.

    It is not on you. And even if you did tell her now, she is sooooooo not going to believe you. So there’s nothing you can do.

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    • Yes these people, for the most part, will go undetected and manage to live their lives whilst leaving a whirlwind of destruction behind them.

      The problem is also a community problem. I’m under no illusion that had I even bothered to report anything, I would have faced immense pressure from people in my community not to proceed with anything. Maybe that is unfair as it is speculation.

      I get what this woman did was awful; she got involved with a married man. It still makes me feel uneasy knowing what is about to happen as these men don’t change and regardless, nobody deserves to go through what I did.

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