Forgive and Forget

let it goThe pain of events blur with time but memories still remain.  Ironically, it’s not any of the ex’s actions, words etc that I think about.  That for me is done now.  What remains is the words of those around me.

I learnt along my journey that people don’t know what to say.  They don’t know how to act.  They don’t understand other people’s pain.  I am acutely aware that people never meant to hurt me but in their own way were trying to “get me through it” or “make me feel better”.  I’m aware of it but I can’t help even now to feel a slight stab when I think back to some of the things said.

The first night back in my own home after confronting him over the affair was one of the worst nights of my life.  I lay in bed listening out for his car and I will admit, somewhere deep down wishing for it, hoping he would turn up with a thousand apologies.  At midnight, exhausted from crying, I messaged one of  my sisters.  “I keep thinking I hear his car, it hurts too much, I loved him“.  The reply I got could well have been borne out of tiredness, wakening from sleep; I’ve never asked because I never wanted her to know how much it hurt me.  “It was never a real love anyway“.

A friend whose husband was around mine during the time of the affair and whom I (perhaps) wrongly accused of knowing about it was obviously infuriated with my questioning.  “It’s time for her to get over it”, she messaged.  I don’t harbour a grudge having cleared the air a long time ago but I still remember those words.  It was said a month after discovering the affair, no doubt in the heat of my accusation.

I still have friendships and relationships with people whom I felt hurt by.  I don’t confide in them however nor do I let them into my world, the world where the remains of pain still exist.  I exposed myself once to them and felt somewhat betrayed by their responses.  It’s unfair, on my part, I sometimes think to behave like that.  They don’t even realise what they probably did or how they made me feel.  It was perhaps a slip of the tongue, a wrongly worded message, a rushed call and in that moment a somewhat flippant comment was made

But that brief moment which meant nothing to them became for me a memory.

4 thoughts on “Forgive and Forget

  1. I really relate with this (although mine is in a much condensed timeframe). There are friends who I felt just outright deserted me when I came to them. And others who said things that still rings in my head. Like you, I understand that they said certain things because they either didn’t know what to say, had partial information etc etc, but I cannot see myself being vulnerable with them again. They’re no longer in my “safe space”. It makes me wonder of the times I must have said shitty things to others in pain and I ask Allah that the words we use (verbally or otherwise) always be laced with mercy and compassion. Ameen!

    But I also got sent others who I did not expect to have a close relationship with and yet, listened without judgment through this testing period. So we win some, we lose some. 🙂 (I hope it has been the same for you!)

    As for the comment made by your sister-in-law, it’s not at all true! Your love for him was real. And you know it. No one else has access to that except you & God. Also, from what I’ve read, I don’t think you can take anything his family says as anything of value.

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    • Thanks for your comment healing. Ameen to your words as for some people (maybe including myself) we become more compassionate and understanding after having come out of a difficult situation. I think for the most part, the people I had always thought I could depend on turned out to be the ones that helped. It was just unfortunate that there were the odd ill thought comments which still impact to this day in terms of how open I will be with particular individuals. Lol hell would freeze over before any of my ex’s family will ever contact me so it definitely wasn’t anybody in his family thay made any comments to me post marriage x

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  2. People are very quick to dispense ‘tough love’ – they haven’t been through it so they don’t understand. Maybe starting a support group for Muslim women who have to deal with such issues might be helpful, talk to people who understand. Many Muslim women live such sheltered lives with regard to sex and relationships that there is no way to be prepared for this kind of betrayal and of seeing first hand the double standards for men and women. There is no time frame which you can ‘get over it’, it just takes as long as it takes. Sorry to hear that some people around you were not sensitive to what you were going through.

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    • Thanks jojo for your comment. I don’t think I’ll be the first or the last one to go through situations where people will display a degree of insensitivity. Unfortunately it’s in my nature to remember things (add onto that a good memory). In terms of support groups, it’s not something that particularly appeals which may sound strange given the context of this blog! I suppose I’ve always been aware of not wanting to be pigeonholed as a person who only deals or hangs around with other divorcees. Secondly, I’ve learnt that it’s important for me to stay away from negativity as I am trying mentally to be a more positive person which may sound laughable given some of my posts however these posts convey a moment of reflection rather than how I feel at that moment in time. In saying that, I do tend to discuss more personal feelings with people whom I know have that streak of empathy and maturity in them, be it married or not. The most important lesson is to display compassion and if you can’t do that then just stay away.

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