The pain of events blur with time but memories still remain. Ironically, it’s not any of the ex’s actions, words etc that I think about. That for me is done now. What remains is the words of those around me.
I learnt along my journey that people don’t know what to say. They don’t know how to act. They don’t understand other people’s pain. I am acutely aware that people never meant to hurt me but in their own way were trying to “get me through it” or “make me feel better”. I’m aware of it but I can’t help even now to feel a slight stab when I think back to some of the things said.
The first night back in my own home after confronting him over the affair was one of the worst nights of my life. I lay in bed listening out for his car and I will admit, somewhere deep down wishing for it, hoping he would turn up with a thousand apologies. At midnight, exhausted from crying, I messaged one of my sisters. “I keep thinking I hear his car, it hurts too much, I loved him“. The reply I got could well have been borne out of tiredness, wakening from sleep; I’ve never asked because I never wanted her to know how much it hurt me. “It was never a real love anyway“.
A friend whose husband was around mine during the time of the affair and whom I (perhaps) wrongly accused of knowing about it was obviously infuriated with my questioning. “It’s time for her to get over it”, she messaged. I don’t harbour a grudge having cleared the air a long time ago but I still remember those words. It was said a month after discovering the affair, no doubt in the heat of my accusation.
I still have friendships and relationships with people whom I felt hurt by. I don’t confide in them however nor do I let them into my world, the world where the remains of pain still exist. I exposed myself once to them and felt somewhat betrayed by their responses. It’s unfair, on my part, I sometimes think to behave like that. They don’t even realise what they probably did or how they made me feel. It was perhaps a slip of the tongue, a wrongly worded message, a rushed call and in that moment a somewhat flippant comment was made
But that brief moment which meant nothing to them became for me a memory.