There are a couple of things that I try my best not to do anymore; throw a pity party and have regrets.
I don’t allow myself to wallow nowadays because I’ve come to realise that I don’t deserve it. “Bad things always happen to good people”. That’s what I kept hearing post-divorce. I would nod and accept this statement. I wasn’t a good person however and I don’t consider myself a good person even now. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in life; pre-marriage, during marriage and post-marriage. I don’t consider the “why me” in life rather “why not me?” What makes me so special that it wouldn’t happen to me? Nothing.
I don’t regret because regret would mean acknowledging that it wasn’t part of some bigger plan that God had for me. Honestly though, that’s not the real reason. I don’t allow regret because I brought it on myself. I chose my ex and as a result there is nobody else to blame. Those are some hard truths and facts to swallow.
There was the word “try” at the beginning though. I get twinges from time to time. I regret the impact it had on my family. My sisters questioning who they can trust because of him. My parents who are there when my mask slips on those oh so difficult days and my emotions are revealed. My brother carrying the guilt of introducing us, himself cheated in a friendship.
But I try.