The Unspoken Fear

When it comes to me, my family have this underlying fear and it comes from experiences past.  My dad’s sister had the standard marriage of those days which ended in divorce a few years later.  I don’t know the ins and outs.  Around ten years later, another letter arrived, telling my parents that she was married to a born again Christian called Stan

My dad’s other sister had a fairly modern version of the arranged marriage.  She spoke to him and got to know him a little.  She wasn’t particularly religious but opted to marry this man who was quite practising and knowledgeable in matters of religion.  I suppose she felt he would be able to impart some of his teachings to her……that was until he imparted a head butt and a couple of broken fingers her way.  I think it was about three years after her divorce that we found out she had a new partner and his name was Steven.

Steven and Stan were never Muslim when they met my aunts although I believe Steven later converted.  To give some background, a Muslim woman marrying a Christian/Hindu/Atheist etc bloke is considered a “cardinal” sin.  I’m not going into what I believe to be quite open hypocrisies concerning the different rulings for men and woman on these matters, perhaps a rant for another time.

You probably catch the drift though on what my family is worried about.  I can’t really allay their fears either.  You see, I understand what my aunts did and why they did it.  You marry the man that ticks the religious, cultural boxes and all for what?  There, now you have the sense of despair.  Then comes the waiting around (1..2..10 years?) in the hope that somebody will join you in the day to day of life’s journey.  There, now you have the sense of loneliness.

But what if the Muslim man never comes?

What if Stan/Steven does?

11 thoughts on “The Unspoken Fear

    • It was left on a thought lol. Don’t worry, there is noone! I think being brought up in a different religious environment would make me more apprehensive about that route although by no means does that suggest I am some beacon of religious conduct. My point of the post was that although it is easy to judge and write somebody off for what they have done, once you have walked a mile in their shoes, your perspective changes. Whilst I would hope not to go down a route like this, I can appreciate why it happens.

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    • Hi Rita. I suppose we have a seen a couple of divorces in my family but I don’t think it makes it any easier although perhaps it isn’t seen as big a black mark on that side of the family, I’m not quite sure! Ironically my aunts have never spoken to me about my divorce which I do find hurtful but it is what it is. I have learnt through the difficulties who the best people to look for support are x

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  1. I appear to have offended people with a comment I made earlier. I would like to apologise to P’s for doing this. I am reminded once again of the small world of social media but hope you understand the background of why this blog is here and for what reason it was started without focussing on aspects within the post which caused unintended offence. Hope you continue to enjoy it x

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    • OMG! Laila! Plz stop apologising!!!!!! If someone is offended by your blog then tell them where to go! If you don’t like the blog then don’t read it!!!! Negative comments come about because people have nothing better to do or it is striking a chord with them which they cannot handle.

      I’v been following it for a year or so and think you are fantastic for talking honestly about issues around divorce x x x x

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      • HI Jen, sorry for not replying earlier! It feels more appropriate to reply now given the nippy comments that came my way about this post. I will reiterate your words, do not read this blog if you don’t like it. I will continue to blog about ANYTHING I am musing about so please don’t threaten me with bitchiness when it’s something you do not like. It is a shame that certain people chose to focus solely on this post and were able to express their annoyance to me (albeit passive aggressively) yet not once in two years were they able to ask me a simple “How are you?” All in all, I know where I stand and I will continue to talk about anything that comes to my mind which I feel is appropriate.

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  2. I believe another problem is this – especially with men from Middle Eastern/Subcontinental backgrounds it is not uncommon to see a lot of guys who have been raised as little Princes who can do no wrong as long as they fulfill family expectations. This has stunted their development, both emotionally and in terms of ambitions for their lives, and I find that many Muslim women have left these men far behind: we are now financially independent, in fulfilling and interesting careers and interested in exploring the world out there. We don’t need anyone for their money and are looking for true equal life-partners, but so many of the guys are still looking for a pretty cook who gets along well with his family, who she is as a person comes much further down the line.

    The fact is this: the only guys that find my strength of character, opinions and, let’s face it, my slightly weird personality attractive are non-Muslim (usually White) men. From Muslim guys I have been told that I am ‘too intelligent’ for them and that they didn’t like the fact I travel or my choice of career. I don’t want to live a suffocating small life in the confines of my in-laws’ house but it looks more and more likely that only Patrick or Steve will understand or be accepting of that fact.

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    • Hello JoJo, your comment was really interesting and there are definitely a couple of points which I agree with. A woman as a person is very much down the list and what her ambitions/dreams are hardly every seem to count. Atleast there are people out there finding you attractive! Recently the only person that propositioned me was seventy year old Ritchie for a “drink dowm the pub”.

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