I don’t think closure will ever exist for me and that’s hard to deal with or atleast it was for a while. I was obsessed for a long time about finding out why. As an outsider it’s easy to say, “because he was a jack ass” but immerse yourself into the situation and it’s not as simple as shrugging it off with a choice word or two.
Closure in particular is made more difficult when you realise your partner has all the traits of a sociopath. I hear you groan: “here she goes with the ex-bashing”. If you read my post; The Sociopath Next Door then you will understand and perhaps realise that I’m probably correct in the assessment of my ex. I never managed to get a straight answer from him in the days after confronting him about the affair and that’s one of the many problems of having married a sociopath. They are compulsive liars so trying to pin them down to the truth is virtually impossible and when cornered about a lie, they react.
I went as far as messaging him without telling any of my family. I was desperate for answers which I wasn’t getting. In my head, I knew if I got them then I could let go. He strangely agreed but only if I met him. I asked for a phone call. An excerpt from the conversation we had below (excuse my ex’s bad spelling):
EX: “fact of the matter is that I dont trust you or anyone to do with you. Since none of you can keep to your word to begin with. I dont know who you got sitting with you misconstruing what I say and try using that against me. So hell no. If you wana talk, then you do it in a public place or wherever it is I can protect myself”
Me: “Forget it then. there’s no conspiracy on my part, just a way to try to end a chapter. ‘Cant stick to my word’, please don’t talk to me about sticking to my word. Fact of the matter, I took it upon myself and messaged you on my own. Fact of the matter, many things that happened in our marriage I still haven’t spoken about to anyone. Fact of the matter, I honour my word and my commitment. Those are the facts of the matter. Anyway you’ve made it clear you don’t want to. I don’t have any other suggestion on how to put this to rest as I’m not prepared to meet seeing as I don’t know you now”.
I contemplated meeting him as I felt desperate but common sense prevailed. The conversation carried on with him sending me religious links about punishment of the tongue and backbiting because he was infuriated with the blog (I was tempted to ask him if there was a religious saying about sticking your tongue down another woman’s throat but I refrained, I was on a mission afterall), him asking me what I wanted to know, me sending him a list of questions I wanted answers to, him bizarrely sending me more religious links, me asking him to answer the questions and be done, him asking for the questions again, me sending them AND EVENTUALLY………
EX: “Yeah, well unfortunately that I cant give you im afraid. If your and your families actions hadnt been the way they were then maybe I couldve helped you on that, but right now, I aint gona even contemplate that notion in your head”.
Exhausted? Yes so was I especially having spent four hours having that nonsensical conversation. Closure became less and less important as time went on. I rationalised after the above conversation; even if he did answer any of the questions I asked him, how would I know the truth from the lies?
I’ve never asked him “why?” again. Maybe that was my closure.