Post divorce, people have given me some great lines and although at times what they say might be true, I don’t think they realise how unhelpful it is. Perhaps it stems from the awkwardness of encountering someone for the first time since their divorce and whilst I can acknowledge that some people are genuinely sympathetic, others are just…..well, that little bit daft.
1) “I always knew he was bad news” (insinuation: you should never have married him in the first place). No shit Sherlock. You only have the right to use this line if you actually told me six years ago that he was bad news.
2) “I never liked him anyway”. Oh well atleast one of us hasn’t spent the past year crying. Heads up. I knew you never liked him and he always hated you too.
3) *fakes looking around the room* “Oh, so where’s ___________ (insert ex’s name) tonight”. Probably shagging his bird in a back alley (arf). I know you know that we split because you’re related to my granny’s uncle’s sister’s donkey.
4) “Marriage is hard work”. I guess I was too busy playing Mario Kart to pay attention to my marriage.
5) “You never knew what he was upto???” (insinuation: Girrrrrrrl, you stoooopiiddddd!). OH. MY. GOD. NO.
6) “So, has he married _______ (insert mistresses name here)?”. Something tells me that I’m not at the top of their list but if I do get that magical invite then the two of us can ride together on my unicorn.
7) “He would have eventually seen sense” (insinuation: You should have let him get it out his system and he would have come back). I would rather see sense and not wait around for an STD to strike.
8) “His mother used black magic to end your marriage”. I suppose every mother’s pride and joy is to watch videos of her son with his naked butt in the air. If she did black magic then she should have picked a better spell, one that didn’t involve him humiliating the “family name”.
9) “Of all the couples in the world, I never thought it would be you two”. Aw well, that makes me feel better then.
10) “He’s ruined your life”. If there was a funeral pyre burning nearby, I would feel tempted to throw myself on it about now.